For example, I've been counting down the seconds until tonight's premiere of the third season of Downton Abbey, because I've been far too long without Lady Mary and Matthew, and Anna and Mr. Bates, and I need my cheesy love story fix! Here's more proof. I watch romantic comedies such as You've Got Mail and Annie Hall and Bridesmaids and Breakfast at Tiffany's over and over again like it's my job; afterward, I read the screenplays -- FOR FUN! I beg couples to tell me the story of how they met over and over again. Weddings make me cry.
So you can imagine how upsetting it was to read this line by Scott Peck in The Road Less Traveled: "Of all the misconceptions about love the most powerful and pervasive is the belief that "falling in love" is love or at least one of the manifestations of love." More simply, falling in love is not love; rather it's a part of love.
Is it just me or does it feel like Peck is stabbing you in the heart over and over again? This seems particularly harsh given that I'm a mere six weeks out from getting married and have been riding a wave of happy excitement and dotting my i's with little hearts -- only to be dealt this crushing blow.
Of course, I'm pretending to be all naive and dramatic, but that's sort of for show. The truth of it is that as anyone who's been in a long-term relationship knows, falling in love is the easy part. It's all the stuff that comes afterward, that can be really difficult at times. So why do we do it? Why do we continually enter into long-term loving relationships when we know the exciting part eventually fades and there's going to be a lot of work and maintenance ahead. Obviously, so many of us do, so of course there's plenty of reasons -- but how exactly do we articulate them? That's the question I've been asking myself lately...
Peck would say that it's because "genuine love is a replenishing activity...it enlarges rather than diminishes the self; it fills the self rather than depleting it." In fact, the thesis of his book is that if we are to achieve lasting enlightenment or true spiritual growth, we must be both a giver and a receiver of real love.
My younger self would supply the following answers to the question of why we continually enter into loving relationships: Companionship. Security. To have someone in our corner -- always and forever. I have lots of people in my life who give me these things and I give back to them. But now that Peck's provided me with a more sophisticated definition of love, I find myself evaluating my relationships with his words in mind. When I consider who in my life I regularly attend to even when I don't feel like it -- AND that's reciprocated -- suddenly, my circle of "loved ones" has shrunken somewhat. Not only is that okay, it's to be expected: If genuine love really is so difficult and so much "work" as Peck suggests, than we can't very well love everyone we come across -- we'd have to quit our day jobs just to make time!
The good news is that my husband-to-be passes Peck's genuine love test and is still in my circle. And while no one can ever be sure what the future holds, I'm happy in this moment that it appears we're starting off in a good place.
What's your explanation for why we're pulled toward long-term loving relationships?
Peck would say that it's because "genuine love is a replenishing activity...it enlarges rather than diminishes the self; it fills the self rather than depleting it." In fact, the thesis of his book is that if we are to achieve lasting enlightenment or true spiritual growth, we must be both a giver and a receiver of real love.
My younger self would supply the following answers to the question of why we continually enter into loving relationships: Companionship. Security. To have someone in our corner -- always and forever. I have lots of people in my life who give me these things and I give back to them. But now that Peck's provided me with a more sophisticated definition of love, I find myself evaluating my relationships with his words in mind. When I consider who in my life I regularly attend to even when I don't feel like it -- AND that's reciprocated -- suddenly, my circle of "loved ones" has shrunken somewhat. Not only is that okay, it's to be expected: If genuine love really is so difficult and so much "work" as Peck suggests, than we can't very well love everyone we come across -- we'd have to quit our day jobs just to make time!
The good news is that my husband-to-be passes Peck's genuine love test and is still in my circle. And while no one can ever be sure what the future holds, I'm happy in this moment that it appears we're starting off in a good place.
What's your explanation for why we're pulled toward long-term loving relationships?
Hi Kim,
ReplyDeleteCongratulations on your upcoming marriage! It's been really hard to reconnect with you, but I'll keep trying until I do somehow connect. Until then, though, I wish you only the best in love and happiness. Also, if I've never told you before, you are a beautiful writer. I love reading your stuff. Amazing.
Love always,
Erika