Until recently (way more recently than I'd like to admit), I clung desperately to the following philosophy: If I tried hard enough and lived as perfectly as possible, life would be easy. There would be no problems.
Of course, that kind of thinking, I realize now, is perfectly RIDICULOUS. As M. Scott Peck, M.D. writes in the very first sentence of The Road Less Traveled, "Life is difficult." And, then later just in case we weren't paying attention, "Life is a series of problems."
Okay, okay, Dr. P., I get it! There will always always always be problems. Always.
Most people try to ignore the problems that surface in their life. Others, like me, try to prevent them altogether (and then bang their head against the wall in failure and miserable frustration). But the best way to live, at least according to Peck, is to face problems directly and experience the pain involved -- the very thought of which makes me want to recoil in horror and go watch the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills marathon with the dog until I can no longer remember my own zip code.
But the thing is, I've learned that this truly is one of life's great truths: You have to face problems head-on. There's just no other way around it.
Luckily, Peck outlines a four-pronged system of discipline techniques for dealing constructively with the pain of problems. I'll let you explore three of them on your own (don't want to give everything away!): delaying gratification, which is the process of being willing to confront a problem early on and temporarily set aside pleasure and gratification instead of just hoping it goes away; dedication to truth, even when it's uncomfortable; and balancing, which refers to the ability to negotiate the curves that life throws at us.
It's the fourth technique that I want to focus on here because it's the one that I personally struggle with the most: acceptance of responsibility.
Isn't it so tempting to divide people into one of two categories: those who avoid responsibility altogether and those who assume all of it? But I think it's more accurate to say that most of us do a mixture of both, which makes a complete and unnecessary muddle of everything. That's why I love this statement from Peck: "...the problem of distinguishing what we are and what we are not responsible for in this life is one of the greatest problems of human existence." So, so true.
Before I became aware that I had an issue with accepting responsibility -- both too much and not enough -- I experienced a lot of painful confusion in many of my relationships. For example, after I had a huge falling out with a close friend of mine, I spent the next several months going back and forth as to what had really happened between us. When I was feeling particularly neurotic, it was "I was such an awful friend to her and that's why she dropped me." But when my mood shifted, it was "What a bitch. I'm glad I pulled the plug on that friendship." (Both of these thoughts make me really embarrassed to admit.)
But later, when I attempted to distinguish what I was and was not responsible for in the deterioration of our friendship, I remembered two key things: First, that I had told her I didn't like her boyfriend; this was me accepting responsibility for a hurtful action. Second, I was upset with her because she wasn't empathetic to me during a particularly tough time of my life (me moving by myself to a brand new city); and this was me not assuming all of the responsibility but realizing that her actions played a role too. Together, those two specific things contributed to our coming apart in a big way -- not that I was a "bad friend" or she was a "selfish bitch."
Of course, my new-found awareness of responsibility didn't mend our friendship or prevent any problems with future friends from happening. But it did provide a lot of clarity, which has proved very useful in my current relationships. It's a technique that I employ often when I'm facing conflict and while it doesn't make it any easier to deal with, it does help to diffuse the emotions surrounding the issue so I can get to work fixing what needs it.
And that's a good thing because, wow, is there a lot to be fixed!
How do you problem solve typically?
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