pulling an elizabeth gilbert

In one of the most famous scenes from Elizabeth Gilbert's bestselling memoir, Eat, Pray, Love, she struggles to sit still in an ashram in India and meditate. She's hot, she can't find a comfortable position, she's comparing herself to the other zen people in the room, she's mad at her thoughts that rise to the surface. It's an interesting scene, but an anxiety-ridden one, too. 

I've got to tell you: Even though I love the book, that scene has always bothered me.

You know why? Because it scared me away from meditating for a long time. I wonder, given that practically a gazillion people read that book, if it scared other people away, too. 

I get that Gilbert was trying (and succeeding) to be honest and funny; plenty of people who've struggled to meditate could likely relate to her experience. But for those of us (raises hand!) who were brand new to the practice, it was intimidating. I was left with this overwhelming feeling: Well, if this famous, amazing, world-traveling writer can't do it, there's no way in hell that I can. 

Since then I'm sad to say that I've lived a meditation-free life -- until very recently. Pema Chodron is really big on the practice and so I summed up the courage to try it. 

In When Things Fall Apart, Chodron gives detailed instructions about how to position the body during meditation. One day if I get it together I may actually follow these. But for this first time my goal was simply to be quiet and still. The 15 minutes before my hot yoga class seemed like the perfect opportunity: If you've ever taken a hot yoga class, you'll agree that there's not too much the body can handle when that punishing heat is baring down save for being quiet and still (and sweaty).

I lay there on my mat, eyes and palms open, and cleared my mind. I was actually curious and excited to see which thoughts would arise. It's like those silly but revealing quizzes you always run into online: Which Mad Men character are you? (Don.) Is it love or lust? (Lust, definitely.)Which of the many thoughts floating around in your skull or going to make an appearance this afternoon?

I really don't want to admit my first thought, but I'm supposed to be open and honest here. It was something along the lines of: Yay! I'm finally meditating! I'm just like Julia Roberts!

Then, I started feeling a little lonely and wished that my friend Sally, who sometimes comes, was there next to me. That was harmless enough at first, but then it gave way to anxiety about having not met enough friends since moving to New York.

Then, out of nowhere, this thought bubbled to the surface: What if I never become a successful writer? What if no one ever reads my work? Or what if they do, and they think I'm a hack?

Yikes! I had no idea this meditation stuff would be so painful.

But here's the thing about it: Just because a thought arises in meditation doesn't mean you should judge it or dwell on it. After all, they're just thoughts -- nothing more. Rather, according to Chodron, you're supposed to acknowledge then and then let them go. It's supposed to be practice for real life: We're always going to have thoughts, and some are going to be negative. Instead of letting them consume us, we need to to simply accept that they're there and then move along.

And that's, er, sort of what I tried to do before hot yoga. True, I was a little alarmed and ashamed by what rose to the surface (Julia Roberts, seriously?). But I tried to relax and instead simply be interested about where my mind ran to when I emptied it out.

I was definitely relieved when class finally started. But I'm not scared of meditation any longer.